Invite only karaoke bar.
Ridiculous cocktails.
Depraved company.
We combine occultism, eroticism, and psychological horror into one harrowing karaoke experience.
Join us; make a nineteenth-century ass of yourself in the midst of an atavistic freakout. We’ll provide vast quantities of whiskey and a satchel of brain rattling drugs for those who desire to finish the evening on the highest possible note. Perhaps we'll even break out the Devil Ether.
Vice describes us as: “A degenerate mix of booze, screaming, and disco lights; the inevitable result of too much inbreeding in a closed and ignorant culture. We’re going to need years of recreational drug use to chemically delete this night from our minds.”
What The People Are Saying
"Like fly paper for the emotionally disturbed."
"Weird songs against a backdrop of old-school lesbian porno that I’m pretty sure was a parody of The Craft."
"Bring penicillin and bail money."
"Like a Bondage film, weird and uncomfortable but you keep one eye open."
House Cocktail
None More Black
Rittenhouse Rye, Averna Amaro, Punt E Mes, Cognac, Orange Bitters
Some Legal Bullshit:
No warranties expressed or implied. The trademarked terms Bar™ Black™ Heart™ and any combination thereof are the sole property of Bar Blackheart Industries, LLC d/b/a Bar Blackheart Consolidated Holding Companies, LLC d/b/a Bar Blackheart Toilet and Plumbing Supply, LLC d/b/a Bar Blackheart Cayman Island Tax Dodge Shell Company, Inc. d/b/a Bar Blackheart For the Kids, 501(c)(3) d/b/a Bar Blackheart™. Use of Bar Blackheart™ is not recommended for use by women who may or may not be pregnant or nursing, or individuals with weakened immune systems. Side effects of Bar Blackheart™ can include nausea, Cleaver™, excess salivation, constipation, increased appetite, drowsiness, bi-polar personality disorder, anal leakage, sweating, suicidal thoughts, involuntary erections (see also Cleaver™), outbursts of conflicted emotions, death and subsequent resurrection. If you experience any of these side affects you should give it 20-30 minutes to evaluate your weakness as a human and then cease use of Bar Blackheart™. All accounts receivable, checks, money orders, wire transfers or cash payment should be addressed to “Legal Department, Bar Blackheart”. Legal Department now accepts Visa, Master Card, American Express, & Diners Club of American, but not Discover. Fuck Discover. Any accounts payable inquiries should be directed to the Bar Manager. User of Bar Blackheart™ shall indemnify, hold harmless, protect and defend Bar Blackheart™ and any of its holding companies and officers for any loss of use, property damage, inconvenience, annoyance, disruption, petty complaint, interpersonal conflict, side eye and snide comments made or caused by the user. Such legal, much risk management, wow. This communication, and any attachments, may contain offensive, obscene, or graphic material and/or use of dickbutt cartoons intended for the sole use of the intended recipients.
Who is to Blame?
If you’ve ended up on the staff page, your life can aptly be described as one expanding circular fuck-up.
Kyle
Founder & CEO
Flaming shitwreck. Turns into human nuclear waste after 1.5 drinks. Has a sort of cankles quality to him. Will be deloused before each event.Read more about him in our upcoming CYOA series, "The Adventures of Kyle the Nihilist"
Birk
Head of Customer Unhappiness
Budding yogi, sexually ambivalent. Possibly bi, definitely metro. Single-handedly increased Illinois teenage pregnancy rate. Lovechild of Ryan Reynolds & Peter Pan.
Samwise, Esq.
Chief Consul
This world is full of dangerous beasts, but none quite as ugly and uncontrollable as a lawyer whose finally flipped off the tracks of reason.Willing to trade him to another bar for a bag of Yukon Gold potatoes.
JW
Bar Manager
Writes Harry Potter erotica. A surprising number of testicles. Autoerotically asphyxiates to re-runs of Gilmore Girls.
Gibbers
** Toxicologist**
Gibbers serves as the obligatory diversity hire and gives us plausible deniability once our swill inevitably proves terminal. Legal approves.
IC
Floor Greeter
"IC" is just a normal girl who enjoys long walks on the beach with her boyfriend until the LSD wears off and she realizes she's dragging a stolen mannequin around the TJ Maxx parking lot. Again.
Doc Funk
Musical Thrall DJ
Only shows up to work when his mood ring glows orange. The Direct To DVD version of Deadmau5. Says he’s poly but really he just wants more people to pay the rent. Words can't describe how good his sets are, but numbers can: 6/10.
Doc Evan
Emergency Phyisician
An actual fucking doctor? On fucking staff? That's right, we've pulled him away from propping up the meth addicts of Denver to treat any ailments you might have which is probably just syphilis. He's also dead inside so when he masturbates, that's right, it's fucking necrophilia.
Hobie
Bouncer / Mortuary Transport
Seems normal until you're in a headlock, about to lose consciousness. Referees our Molotov Cocktail tossing competitions. Self-described as, "I'm cool about 90% of the time and completely sociopathic the rest."
Maggs
Employee Success
Maggs was hired to clean up a company culture that has been described as, “A fully operating ecosystem of dipshittery.”She has since described accepting this gig as, "another in a long series of regrettable life choices."
Wo
Fool
To be degraded for our amusement. Will be rendered into soap once he’s used up. Pre-order Wo So Clean artisan soap now.
Looking for a Dark Night of the Soul?
Use your fiercest wit to pitch us on why you should be invited:
